A Year 5 narrative, marked

Mia’s story from our guided demo: the original, its marks on the ten NAPLAN criteria, her feedback and her second draft.

Year 5 · NarrativeOriginal · 181 words

Swooping Season

Mia · Fictional Year 5 student

It was the first week of spring. I was walking across the oval to the tuckshop. I had two dollars in my pocket for a sausage roll and I was thinking about it the whole way.

Then a magpie swoped at me. I was very scared. I ran away.

I ran in a zigzag like Mum told me to but it just kept coming back. My hat flew off and I didn't even stop to get it. Some kids on the play equipment were laughing and Jayden yelled, “It's going to get you!” I was so embarased.

I made it to the tuckshop. Mrs Patel gave me my sausage roll and said, “It's the dads that swoop, love. They're protecting their babies.” After that I felt a bit sorry for him. He was only being a good dad.

When the bell went I had to walk back past the oval to get to class. Someone had hung my hat on the fence. I walked slowly and I didnt run this time. The magpie sat on the fence and looked at me.

Her marks10 criteria 32/47

Audience: 4/6
Text structure: 3/4
Ideas: 3/5
Character and setting: 3/4
Vocabulary: 3/5
Cohesion: 3/4
Paragraphing: 1/2
Sentence structure: 4/6
Punctuation: 4/5
Spelling: 4/6

Fictional writing, not an official NAPLAN result

The film · 2:19 Then the whole school Our short film follows another student’s writing, then their class and the whole school. Fully voiced, with captions. Guided demo Hand it in yourself You press the buttons: her story comes back marked, she opens her feedback and writes her new sentence, then her class appears. Try the guided demo

The writing and feedback

Year 5 · Narrative

Mia and her story are fictional: the story from our guided demo, written out in full and marked against the NAPLAN narrative marking guide. These are not real student results.

01 Her story 181 words · As she handed it in

Swooping Season

Mia · Fictional Year 5 student

It was the first week of spring. I was walking across the oval to the tuckshop. I had two dollars in my pocket for a sausage roll and I was thinking about it the whole way.

Then a magpie swoped at me. I was very scared. I ran away.

When the bell went I had to walk back past the oval to get to class. Someone had hung my hat on the fence. I walked slowly and I didnt run this time. The magpie sat on the fence and looked at me.

Her spelling and punctuation are as she wrote them. The words marked as misspelt are dotted underneath.

02 Her marks and feedback Ten criteria, and notes on the one she chose to boost

Her marks32/47

Marked against the ten criteria of the NAPLAN narrative marking guide. Not an official NAPLAN result.

Audience: 4/6
Text structure: 3/4
Ideas: 3/5
Character and setting: 3/4
Vocabulary: 3/5
Cohesion: 3/4
Paragraphing: 1/2
Sentence structure: 4/6
Punctuation: 4/5
Spelling: 4/6

The area she chose to boost

Character and setting3/4

Glow — What you did well

“The magpie sat on the fence and looked at me.”

What a picture to end on.

Grow — What to improve

“I was very scared.”

Show how it felt instead of naming it.

Give it a go What did you hear?

Each note quotes her own words. Give it a go asks her a question; it doesn’t write the answer.

03 Her second draft 185 words · One sentence, in her own words

She answered the note’s question with a new sentence, highlighted below. A second draft is for learning: it isn’t marked again, and her first draft keeps its marks.

Swooping Season

Mia · Fictional Year 5 student

It was the first week of spring. I was walking across the oval to the tuckshop. I had two dollars in my pocket for a sausage roll and I was thinking about it the whole way.

Then a magpie swoped at me. I heard its wings snap behind my ear. I ran away.

When the bell went I had to walk back past the oval to get to class. Someone had hung my hat on the fence. I walked slowly and I didnt run this time. The magpie sat on the fence and looked at me.

What you did well

Character and setting. You showed the fear instead of naming it. Now the reader is on the oval with you.

Once she’s made the change, Writing Boost names what she improved. The rest of her story is as she first wrote it.

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